Heartbreak and A Little Bit of Strength

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.

Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…

Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.

Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.

My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.

I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”

I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.

I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.

Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.

 

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When Thoughts Are Passing Way Too Fast…

I am writing this at midnight because it feels like it can’t wait.

Because today, I am overwhelmed. Today, I am asking myself how I got this lucky. I am currently questioning myself how it is possible to fall even more and more in love with someone everyday and for the first time in my life, I am asking myself these questions because I genuinely feel them.

This was never the love at first sight kind of love. It is more of like being in a foreign place with a hint feeling of familiarity. Like I am home. I still remember how I tried to push my feelings away, just because I thought our five year age gap  is a big deal, to no effect. I didn’t realize I am already in too deep. You woke this miserable heart to life again. I should feel vulnerable but I don’t. That day we became together, I said goodbye to my pride and said hello to my happiness. You are my happiness.

Right now, while I am writing this, you are busy talking to your colleagues on your cellphone without you knowing what I am doing (:P). Whenever I look at you on my screen, it makes me smile. Your weird expressions are funny and cute at the same time. And whenever I look at you, I smile because this guy I see on my screen right now, is mine. What I really feel is so hard to put into words and I thank God or whatever stars for making our paths align. Because I seriously do not know how you do it but you make me fall even more in love with you every single day and I mean it.

I can’t wait to see what else is in store for us. It scares me how much happiness I have with you that this distance does not even feel like a hindrance to us. If this is home… Then, yes, it sure feels good to be home.

Realizations

People say I think maturely for my age and I always agree with them. When I was a kid, I only settle for what is familiar. I only play with my cousins and siblings. Sometimes, I even play alone. I do not mind being alone as long as I am in my comfort zone because at a young age, I have been observing people. It was an instinct to stay away because people have the capacity to hurt you no matter how nice you are to them. I sometimes hate myself for being so afraid of so many things but this is something that is with me ever since I was born. I was born to observe, to be wise and to learn from others. Observers are wise and perfectionist… I used to be one.

So to welcome my 25th year, let me write a few wonderful things and lessons I learned at the age of 24…

  1. Last year, I celebrated my birthday in Cambodia. That was my first ever out of the country birthday and my birthday week was so much fun! Sometimes, routines make life boring. At some point, you have to try something new and let life surprise you… May it be your birthday or not.

2. Also last year, I remember how dependent I was to my family. I could not go out of the house without them because going out of home on my own scare the living shit out of me. Yes, I was that sheltered. But that week in Cambodia, I faced my fears. After a tiring day of walking around the temples, I went home and changed into my biking clothes. I went to what I call “the road less traveled”. It is right behind the temples and you have to bike around the forest before reaching different temples. There are no homes, not much people around and it was quiet and eerie at the same time but the view is definitely spectacular! You’d even hear the wind whispering in your ear. (I stopped so many times because I thought fairies are trying to lure me so they can take me to their world lmao) Also, I have exceeded myself by biking for an hour or more. In a foreign soil… On my own… Yep, big achievement for little miss sheltered.

3. I used to be very picky when it comes to food but hey guys, You only live once! Eat that snake, have a taste of that scorpion. Life is so boring without trying something new and challenging, right?

4. This year, I lived in Singapore for a month. This is the very first time I bravely flew on my own and lived independently. I learned that there will come a time that help won’t come so you have to do something for yourself. That month, I got lost so many times but discovered so many wonderful places til I eventually found my way back home.

5. Sometimes, out of nowhere, life will surprise you and will let you meet your soulmate. The perfect person who will treat you like a queen, who will make you feel loved, who thinks exactly the same as you, and who will make everything feel right. You will be in the perfect love story… For a short period of time. Appreciate those moments because it is not every day that you get to meet someone who will make you feel like you FLEW IN LOVE. Yep, at the age of 24, I believe I met my soulmate. It probably did not last but our story felt like a once in a lifetime kind of love. I was in cloud 9. I flew in love, but I fell and got my heart greatly shattered but this is the first time I moved on gracefully because love is thinking about the person’s happiness more than yourself… even if it means it will completely shatter you.

6. Life and timing are such bitches but those are not enough reasons to give up. Keep moving because better things are coming. They always do.

7. No’s and failures are the best keys to find what is really meant for you. I never thought that today, I am doing something I love. Sooner, I will have the capability to make my dream a reality.

8. People will say something bad or make up stories about you. Stay kind. Forgive them.

9. People leave and it will hurt so freaking much but with all those pains are a lifetime of lessons and memories. The ache will go away but all the good things about the past? They will remain with you. And if they’re happy memories, they will surely put a smile on your face whenever you look back.

10. Tired of everything? Sit over a lake and go star gazing!

11. Take risks, fall in love again. Love deeply and hope that this time, you got it right.

12. A few months ago, I got a part time online job that made me learn more about other people. When I thought I give some people and their loved ones hope, it turned out they are the ones who give me more strength and hope with what I have gone through.

13. Just because someone is older than you does not mean they are right. However, stay kind. NO matter how difficult.

14. When the people you love leave, send them light and love and go on with your life.

15. Society kept pushing me to do something I don’t want to do. Does it make me happy? No. I’d like to think I was brave enough to stop thinking about what other people will say. For once, I followed my heart and chose to be happy. I am not always 100 percent happy but most of the time, I am because I am doing something I love.

16.  I dared myself to talk to strangers and I can’t believe how much I missed out on hearing inspiring stories from cab drivers and random strangers I should have met a long time ago.

17. Things won’t always go your way because God has a better plan for you. ALWAYS.

open-letter

An Open Letter To Those Who Are Going Through A Quarter Life Crisis

Dear you,

I know you are reading this because you are one of those people who, sometimes, out of nowhere, just feel lost and confused. Like you feel very unaccomplished especially when you meet people who seem like they got everything figured out. Dear confused fellow, you are not alone. This is me welcoming you to the quarter life crisis. Yes, I may always be positive with all my posts on my social media accounts but there are times when, out of the blue, I just ask myself “what the hell am I doing with my life?”

When I was a kid, I see myself having a million savings in my bank account at the age of 25, working in an office, going to places I dreamt of visiting and probably starting to buy my own flat. I remember how I could not wait to grow up and be independent. Several years later, I am no longer that kid who dreams… I am now this lady who is trying to find her place in this world.

I was once this teenager who gave up her social life for the sake of being “successful”. I was lucky enough to meet friends who always understand when I decline their party invites because school was more important. (I am not saying it is not but I wished I knew how to balance it.) Every day, I come to school with less than two hours of sleep just because I had to review all night. So many times, I cry because what I am studying is already too much for me but I have no choice but to review some more… Even if it is already frustrating me. And sometimes, I fail my tests because everything I reviewed got jumbled up inside my head and I got confused. Yes, I was in the Dean’s list but I was miserable. Do I enjoy what I do? No. Am I living life? No. I merely exist. I was so focused on making society happy with my achievements that I forgot how to make my own self happy.

After graduation I could not figure out what I wanted anymore. I needed a break for a year to figure out what I really wanted. What my heart really wanted. No matter how perfect of a student I was, I have been rejected too many times when I started looking for a job. So many times I come home feeling defeated. So ready to give up. I even doubted my dear self when everyone around me started questioning me too. But it is these rejections and questions that brought me to what I have right now. It may not seem to be so much for a twenty five year old me, but it is enough. It makes me so happy. And happiness is all that matters, isn’t it? Today, I have a job I love and I am doing something I love. Something that makes my heart full and more than grateful because I meet people who inspire me to be thankful not only for the big things but also for the smallest of things that come my way. Ever since I found my online job a few months back, I thought I am giving different people who have rare and incurable diseases hope. But as time passes by, I realized that they are the ones who give me so much hope and strength. They remind me to keep going no matter how impossible things seem. I am more than happy to have a job that inspires me to move forward. I meet patients who are always ready to face extractions, pains and there are also these patients who live their life normally while they patiently wait for companies and researchers to announce that their illness has finally a cure.

Young fellow, like them, believe that someday, somehow, things will turn out well for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A lot of young adults go through this phase too but some of them choose to bravely do what society disapproves of. Don’t  worry, you are still young. Be patient. Things will fall into place not the way you expected it to but the way you have always wanted. Someday, we don’t have to ask ourselves that “question” anymore. Believe that you will have it all figured out. BECAUSE YOU WILL. We will no longer exist because we will LIVE. We will live life to the fullest because when the stars align, things will just workout, whether we’re ready for it or not. Things will always workout. And we will dance and celebrate life because we’re finally doing something that will surely plaster a huge smile on our faces no matter how small it is. Keep living. We will all get there.

P.S:

Go out there and try out new things. Know your heart’s desires and chase after them. YOU CAN DO IT!

Love,

Someone who still can’t figure it all out

Liebster Award

A few weeks ago, I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Melanie from Mafambani. She is a travel blogger who has passion for cool cafés, cappucino, books, languages, yoga and healthy food.

 

This award exists only on the internet, and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. It is a way to be discovered but also to connect and support the blogging community. 

 1. If you could earn money with anything, what would it be?

It would be from exploring this world and immersing myself in different cultures. I love watching TLC and wishes to be just one of the hosts who get paid to see different parts of the world and eat all the exotic food from different countries. I wanna get paid doing something I love which is traveling.

2. When you travel, what do you buy to treat yourself?

All I get is food and a few clothes. But those mean nothing to me because the best treats when travelling are the memories and experiences I have had in each country.

3.What does a perfect travel day look like for you?

-Me on my own appreciating the silence and beauty of nature and all the simple things that a lot of people fail to notice.

4. Postcard or e-mail?

-both. it’s the thought that counts, yes?

5. What do you miss most when you’re on the road?

-rice paddies, warm smile of locals, exotic foods, and  exploring the unknown.

6.What does your perfect Sunday morning look like and where would you spend it?

-Waking up to the sound of waves crashing the shore then getting up and drinking smoothies and eating French bread and bacon and eggs. It could be anywhere as long as it’s near the ocean.

7. Breakfast or brunch and why?

-I’d say brunch because I am not a morning person but there is something about waking up early and getting to eat breakfast with the family. I’d say both. hehe

8. What do you read before you go to bed?

-I don’t read much anymore because of work. 😦

9. What’s your funniest story from your travels?

-Creating amazing daily house chores inspired dance moves when we went bar hopping in Phuket and singing my heart out in one of the bars and maybe, just maybe, I was out of tune. -_-

10. We should never stop learning. What’s the next thing you want to learn?

-how to be brave enough to do a start up before finally conquering the world and do whatever I want.

11. What’s the craziest thing you want to do on your bucket list?

-To be honest, there is nothing crazy on my bucket list. Everything is pretty normal.

 So, now it’s your turn!

My nominees

Instructions to follow

Create a blog post on your site answering the questions that I have provided below. In your post, be sure to link back to the blog who nominated you (in this case, Iannesy from the Philippines) with a thank you and shout out. After answering the questions I gave, provide questions for your nominees. Now, usually you should select, list and link 11 other bloggers with under 200 followers and give them the instructions below, but here’s my concern. It took me very long to find other bloggers who are interested to be nominated. If I’m honest, it took me too long. So, if anyone of you don’t want to nominate others, I completely understand. If I would get the award again, I wouldn’t take it anymore. I recommend new bloggers to rather focus on writing content on other bloggers. That will drive more readers on your blog. 
For anyone still interested, here is what you have to do: 

Don’t forget to create 11 questions for them to answer. Notify your nominees and provide a link to your post so that they’ll know what to do. Once you’re done, come back here and comment with the link to your post so I can check out your answers. 

Questions for my nominees

  1. Out of all the countries you have visited, which one did you like the most?
  2. What is the most extreme thing you have ever done?
  3. If you can take someone with you in your travels, who would it be?
  4. Bike or Train?
  5. What/Who inspires you to travel this world?
  6. What is the best memory that you have while traveling?
  7. If you could give someone $1,000,000 who would you give it to?
  8. Apple or Samsung?
  9. What is the scariest thing you have experienced while traveling?
  10. Name the top 3 most beautiful beaches you have visited.
  11. How did traveling changed your life?

Leave your posts here in the comments. If you’re not nominated, but want to answer any questions, I would be so happy to read them. 

You Are Worth It

Have you ever walked on your own and found the beauty of it?  Have you ever walked so slow and learned to appreciate the trees around you, the soft wind that’s kissing your cheeks? Have you ever looked up at the sky and got so grateful for the peace it brings? Have you ever seen yourself run because it started raining so hard then you decided to start dancing in the rain instead because that is a lot more fun? Have you ever found yourself getting amazed at how the rainbow paints the sky extra colorful after the rain? Have you ever found yourself scared of the dark but when you look up, you see that there is nothing to fear because the twinkling stars can guide your way?

All these things bring happiness to my life no matter how little. You give me that beautiful feeling I always crave when walking alone. You are the comfortable silence that I will always yearn for. You are the tree that I will always take a time out to notice and appreciate. You are the wind that helps me feel less tired from walking. You are my own sky that brings so much peace by just thinking about you. You were what made me stop running whenever I feel even just a drop of rain on my skin. You are my rainbow that makes my already interesting sky extra interesting and colorful. You are the twinkling stars that made me not fear the darkness. You are the road that makes me wanna go on and wander no matter how scary this unknown path is. 

It has been two months since I decided to choose this road bravely, not knowing what’s in store for me. Will there be snakes in between my walks? Will it be a rough road or a smooth one? This road is not like the other roads. It, probably, is more bumpy and rough. It won’t always be sunny, there may even be storms or hurricanes that will make me wanna give up but if it is what makes you the happiest, I guess you can always conquer whatever it is… right? It seems like I still have to walk a very loooooong way and despite my impatient self, I find myself enjoying the view, the walk, and everything in it – just because the road is taking me to you. You are worth it.

Stay Golden, Dubai

I had a 9-day trip to Dubai that is definitely one for the books! People say July to August is not the best time to explore Dubai because of the summer heat but when you come across really cheap yet branded stuff, you won’t even think about the heat anymore! 40++ degrees is super worth it. And yes, up until now, I still get super duper giddy whenever I hear the word “Dubai”. =) Well, anyway, I wouldn’t blog about my stay in Dubai day per day. Probably just several interesting things we’ve done because SALE became extra important to us. LOL Summer sale got us all crazy and if I would write it day per day, all you’d see on my blog is World Trade Center and Dubai Mall.

clouds
This view never gets old

We had a 9 hour direct flight from the Philippines to Dubai via Cebu Pacific and even though we got so bored and groggy, Dubai is so so so so so worth it. From their magical buildings to their very religious people, so religious you’d even hear them pray even at the malls, to the kick ass sports cars every where, to the wonderful desert view and just about anything! This is something you should not be surprised about because Dubai is the most modern and developed emirate in the United Arab Emirates.

WHAT I DID IN DUBAI:

Ofcourse it is impossible to NOT see the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. We stayed in Dubai mall for hours and waited for the dancing fountain show that is really incredible! It was so hot outside, probably about 39-ish to 40-ish degrees that will make you thirsty but will forget about it later because of how wonderful the fountain show is! THIS IS A MUST SEE! I swear, you’d forget about everything when you watch it.

Tallest Building in the world

dubai-world-trade-center
Oh and before staying in Dubai Mall, we dropped by the World Trade Center and unexpectedly became gaga because of the Summer Sale! That’s me and my niece, Gabby, who accompanied us on our first few days of exploring the city. This girl knows Dubai so well. (Although we had to bribe her with food so she’d stay patient with all the walking and shopping.)

You did not go to Dubai if you did not experience the thrilling dune bashing at the Desert Safari! This is one of the best things we did. Despite the excruciating heat, I really enjoyed the sand bashing that made us all scream and laugh at the same time. We were lucky enough that our driver was the lead driver during our desert adventure and he’s got quite impressive driving skills. Before going to the desert camp, they will allow you to get off the car and appreciate the beauty and serenity of the desert. (I do not know the desert’s name because when we asked the driver, he told us its name is Punishment Desert because it punishes people -_-)

sand bashing dubai

desert safari
our camp!

dubai trip

After the sand bashing, our driver took us to the desert camp where my sister and I had the time of our lives riding camels. It is our first time to see a camel. It was kind of scary to ride it at first because they’re too tall and with the way they stand, you’d think you’re going to fall but it was definitely so much fun!

Arabic alphabet
You also can have your name written in Arabic

desert safari dubai

So at the camp, we got ourselves henna inked and watched locals perform native dances, while there was a sand storm going on, before finally getting a taste of genuine Arabian cuisine. Yep, Arabian feels at its finest but the down side of this is, what we ate got a little sand on it because of the sand storm. 😦

We were also lucky enough to get a free tour around Jumeirah Hotel! A family friend, who works there, texted us and invited us over while we were exploring IBN Battuta Mall. Jumeirah is spectacular!!! The view, rooms and amenities  are really nice too… (like the price per night…)

Jumeirah Beach

Jumeirah beach Dubai

Dubai
Also, we got to stay at the VIP lounge that has free food for VIPs of course.
After touring around Jumeirah, we got free date fruits at the lobby!
After touring around Jumeirah, we got free date fruits at the lobby!

So while you’re in Jumeirah, you should go check out the only 7 star luxury hotel, The Burj Al Arab. This is very impressive (the price for a night stay is quite impressive too lol). Some of their suites are so huge you’d think you’re in a palace. Almost everything is gold. They have designer perfumes, robes, slippers or whatever that you can take home IF you will rent out a suite or room.

Dubai

The fam in one of the suites! Feels like we're in a palace!!!
The fam in one of the suites! Feels like we’re in a palace!!!

wild wadi Dubai

Next is the Wild Wadi trip! This is where my adventurous self had the most fun! This theme park got really long, crazy slides. We did not get so much pictures here but the adrenaline rush and the  happy memories will remain engraved in our minds.

dubai
Getting some really good lunch before swimming

And if you are into history, check out Dubai Museum and fall in love with its rich culture and the wonderful history before it became one of the most progressive cities in the world!

I suggest that while you are in Dubai, you go check out Abu Dhabi and enjoy the Ferrari World and ride the World’s fastest roller coaster! This is pretty cool it is going to shake your world in a whole new level. I heard Yas island is quite wonderful too!

Soooo that’s it! Dubai has been nothing short of amazing and I actually have mixed feelings about the summer sale because my dear wallet seemed empty after the trip. It was sad too but money is nothing compared to what it made me feel. 🙂

Memories

There were too many moments during our time together when I wished we could have gotten it on video or taken a cute picture of us but now those will be just memories that only US will every truly know and understand. It’s like our little secret with the nature as our witness. From sitting over the lake to watching the stars to the deep talks about life to the unstoppable feelings and emotions we felt to watching over an ocean upside down with the ships a few miles away to laying down on grasses watching the night sky and the planes landing to the crazy things we did and laughed about. It all felt like a fairytale… a dream I will always look back on with a smile on my face, hoping it will put a smile on yours when you remember it too. Because, for once in my life, I am too glad i have spent it with my soulmate..

A Man’s Best Friend

10400027_10203715472262700_444234790229673163_nWhen I was a kid, I used to laugh at people whenever they say a dog is a man’s best friend. I kept asking why would they be friends with an animal? Animals do not even talk. And dogs, specifically, are very aggressive and scary. I grew up thinking they will bite me if I even get near them.

Until one day, I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love with the cutest but definitely the most fragile puppy I have ever seen. Black and white never looked so beautiful in my life. I named her Chichi.

The day I took her home, she became sick. Days after being with me, she started acting really weird and pooping something greenish and black. I took her to the vet clinic and the veterinarian told me that it is canine distemper. It is what caused Kissy, my first dog’s death. I was so afraid for her because survival rate for her is so low since she has started getting seizures.

When I went home, I kept praying and begging God to let her survive and I promised to take care of her. It was never an easy battle for us. I remember having to wake up every two hours just to force feed her and force her to drink water to keep her hydrated. There were times when she’d just throw up and get seizures. But my tiny chihuahua is a fighter, she eventually survived something that would have taken her away from me so early.

She gets sick yearly, especially that time when she got pregnant and I thought it was her end. But as usual, I got a fighter babe! She survived.

Everytime she gets sick, I get really scared. I am like a mother getting anxious when her child is not feeling well.

But the last time I sent her to the vet before her due date was when I felt a major separation anxiety. It felt like it was the last time I will ever be with her. I kept complaining and ranting on my social media accounts of how much I miss her and of how much I want her back. Until one day, the vet told me that Chichi gave birth to two cute puppies and that they are ready to be picked up. I was so happy that nothing bad happened to her. I wanted to rush to the veterinary clinic and hug her tight. But when I reached the vet clinic, my heart shattered. Chichi got complications and she was having seizures. They were trying to revive her and I was standing right there. Silently praying she’ll survive one more time while helplessly watching her leave me…

That night, I could not even afford to carry her home with me. I lost Chichi and it shattered my world. I did not just lose a pet, it’s more of like I lost my bestfriend… my closest family member… My best friend who has seen me cry myself to sleep when life took away three important people in my life. I lost my best friend who likes licking my feet whenever I feel so down. The only best friend who waits on the front door for me to come home and celebrating like she won billions of dollars whenever she sees me. The best friend who taught me how to unconditionally love someone. The one that showed me what a best friend she truly is.

As much as I hated to admit how she still makes me tear up whenever I remember her, I really do. She still makes me so sad but like Chichi, I will continue to fight and show this world that I am one hell of a soldier. I will keep moving and try to be the bestest friend to anyone the way Chichi has been to me.

Wonderwall

All throughout my life, I had met a lot of unfamiliar faces. From people who are really nice to me and are willing to go through the hard times with me to those who only know me when they need something from me. I have loved and I have lost. But I definitely have learned to live and learn from everything. I raised my walls too high so people can stay away from me. They call me, I lock myself up. That is always how it works. They get a little close, I get distant. I fear getting left behind and getting hurt as my heart got broken a few times before. I built these walls to protect myself from getting hurt again, believing that the only person who’s worth it is willing to climb them up just to be with me. Sad thing is, not even one can break them down… Until you…

These walls have been built too high and sturdy for anyone to break, but just one knock at my door, you made it all crash down. And instead of panic and fear, I feel relieved because finally, you’re here. I never asked you to show up at my door but you did. There you were, showering my dark home with your smile brighter than the sun. holding my hand like you won’t ever let it go. We ran away with no plans at all. And for the first time in my sheltered life, I fear nothing. You made me see how wonderful this world is. Of how peaceful it is to just sit on a dock by the lake. My head on your shoulder and your arm wrapped tightly around my waist. Watching the twinkling stars and the night sky. Sometimes talking about life. Ending each other’s sentences. Laughing at our weirdness. Laying on the grass and staring at the world upside down. Looking over the lake with your favorite old songs or your own piano pieces playing on the background. Your wonderful eyes under the moonlight put all the stars to shame. No words were needed to be said as your presence makes me feel contented and safe. I hated smoke but your scent of mixed cigarettes and beer has never been more addicting. I felt invincible with you there. I never felt more alive. If this is home, I would not want to leave it. They told me not to trust anyone but for the first time in my life, I did not care. I did what I want and followed my heart. You gave me the world but like an eclipse, it just disappeared. I am left with nothing but what if’s. So this is me, writing… Trying to put back my broken walls… trying to build it higher and stronger that not even a hurricane can make it crumble. But I guess I do not have to try so hard, right? It is useless. Because after all the shit I have been through, I realized that you are, apparently, my wonderwall… my home…