Category Archives: Speak Your Mind

Heartbreak and A Little Bit of Strength

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.

Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…

Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.

Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.

My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.

I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”

I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.

I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.

Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.

 

You Are Worth It

Have you ever walked on your own and found the beauty of it?  Have you ever walked so slow and learned to appreciate the trees around you, the soft wind that’s kissing your cheeks? Have you ever looked up at the sky and got so grateful for the peace it brings? Have you ever seen yourself run because it started raining so hard then you decided to start dancing in the rain instead because that is a lot more fun? Have you ever found yourself getting amazed at how the rainbow paints the sky extra colorful after the rain? Have you ever found yourself scared of the dark but when you look up, you see that there is nothing to fear because the twinkling stars can guide your way?

All these things bring happiness to my life no matter how little. You give me that beautiful feeling I always crave when walking alone. You are the comfortable silence that I will always yearn for. You are the tree that I will always take a time out to notice and appreciate. You are the wind that helps me feel less tired from walking. You are my own sky that brings so much peace by just thinking about you. You were what made me stop running whenever I feel even just a drop of rain on my skin. You are my rainbow that makes my already interesting sky extra interesting and colorful. You are the twinkling stars that made me not fear the darkness. You are the road that makes me wanna go on and wander no matter how scary this unknown path is. 

It has been two months since I decided to choose this road bravely, not knowing what’s in store for me. Will there be snakes in between my walks? Will it be a rough road or a smooth one? This road is not like the other roads. It, probably, is more bumpy and rough. It won’t always be sunny, there may even be storms or hurricanes that will make me wanna give up but if it is what makes you the happiest, I guess you can always conquer whatever it is… right? It seems like I still have to walk a very loooooong way and despite my impatient self, I find myself enjoying the view, the walk, and everything in it – just because the road is taking me to you. You are worth it.

Memories

There were too many moments during our time together when I wished we could have gotten it on video or taken a cute picture of us but now those will be just memories that only US will every truly know and understand. It’s like our little secret with the nature as our witness. From sitting over the lake to watching the stars to the deep talks about life to the unstoppable feelings and emotions we felt to watching over an ocean upside down with the ships a few miles away to laying down on grasses watching the night sky and the planes landing to the crazy things we did and laughed about. It all felt like a fairytale… a dream I will always look back on with a smile on my face, hoping it will put a smile on yours when you remember it too. Because, for once in my life, I am too glad i have spent it with my soulmate..

Wonderwall

All throughout my life, I had met a lot of unfamiliar faces. From people who are really nice to me and are willing to go through the hard times with me to those who only know me when they need something from me. I have loved and I have lost. But I definitely have learned to live and learn from everything. I raised my walls too high so people can stay away from me. They call me, I lock myself up. That is always how it works. They get a little close, I get distant. I fear getting left behind and getting hurt as my heart got broken a few times before. I built these walls to protect myself from getting hurt again, believing that the only person who’s worth it is willing to climb them up just to be with me. Sad thing is, not even one can break them down… Until you…

These walls have been built too high and sturdy for anyone to break, but just one knock at my door, you made it all crash down. And instead of panic and fear, I feel relieved because finally, you’re here. I never asked you to show up at my door but you did. There you were, showering my dark home with your smile brighter than the sun. holding my hand like you won’t ever let it go. We ran away with no plans at all. And for the first time in my sheltered life, I fear nothing. You made me see how wonderful this world is. Of how peaceful it is to just sit on a dock by the lake. My head on your shoulder and your arm wrapped tightly around my waist. Watching the twinkling stars and the night sky. Sometimes talking about life. Ending each other’s sentences. Laughing at our weirdness. Laying on the grass and staring at the world upside down. Looking over the lake with your favorite old songs or your own piano pieces playing on the background. Your wonderful eyes under the moonlight put all the stars to shame. No words were needed to be said as your presence makes me feel contented and safe. I hated smoke but your scent of mixed cigarettes and beer has never been more addicting. I felt invincible with you there. I never felt more alive. If this is home, I would not want to leave it. They told me not to trust anyone but for the first time in my life, I did not care. I did what I want and followed my heart. You gave me the world but like an eclipse, it just disappeared. I am left with nothing but what if’s. So this is me, writing… Trying to put back my broken walls… trying to build it higher and stronger that not even a hurricane can make it crumble. But I guess I do not have to try so hard, right? It is useless. Because after all the shit I have been through, I realized that you are, apparently, my wonderwall… my home…

Random Letters

I like writing letters. Whenever I get mad at someone, I do not tell them. I write everything I am feeling on a piece of paper and pour my heart out without them knowing. It has always been better that way. I hate spreading negativity. But right now, I am not mad or something because hey I pledged to spread nothing but positivity not only here but also on all my social networking accounts right? So, let’s get this started! 😉

Dear you…

-I can’t believe it has almost been a year since you left me shattered and I still wanna cry whenever I remember you. I thought of you last night… Of how time flies. Your two youngest puppies are almost a year old and I can’t help but wish you’re still with us. I can still clearly remember how you died. Of how painful it was to see you being revived by the vets and being so damn helpless with the whole situation. As much as I love you, I know I have to let you go. You are in a better place now Chich. Free from all the pain and sickness. Please kiss Kali and Kisses for me. You are so badly missed. And by just writing this, you made me tear up.. Again. ='( Oh what an irreplaceable dog you are…

-They say there are angels in disguise. This time, you are my angel. You have helped me in taking the first step in reaching my dream of backpacking this world. I will help you reach yours too. I know, someday, this will all pay off. Thank you for being such a kind person and for restoring my faith in humanity.

-People come and go. You were one of those people. It has hurt me that you broke your promise of being friends whatever the weather. Well, promises are not always sincere, are they? I am still keeping mine. I value friendships so much. This is why Every time I see you on my feed, I still wish you nothing but happiness. I hope you get everything you want. I always pray for you.

-You took me to the lake and the sea… Only to get drowned… But if I have to do it again… I will do it… again and again

-I always pray that you will stop thinking about what you want. That you have to stop pressuring me with what you want me to be. I am done letting people write my story for me. We only have one life right? Please let me live mine.

-I guess it has been a year or more since the last time we’ve seen each other. Gosh, I miss your company so much but I am so proud and happy that you are going after what you want and that you are finally doing too well on your football games. You know I’d watch your games no matter how boring they are as long as you’d feed me pizza! hehe

-Well I guess I have reached the point where you would stop talking to me. TOo bad I still wanna get a taste of your version of Lasagna and Spaghetti.

-I cannot wait for the day when you will have to move back home. I miss my bestfriend so much. I still dream of that day when we’d talk about our lives over ice cream and take crazy but cute videos and photos together. And why would you come home when I’m out of the countyr? 😦 timing sucks.

-I cannot believe we would actually be friends after our A Journey of Music play. We never really talked that much during our rehearsals. We only got close during the day of the play itself. I am happy we still keep in touch after that musical play and that we have that one connection that binds us… Music… You’re rare. 🙂

-Do not hate yourself for whatever you are going through right now. Life is a bitch but you know I will always be here for you right? and that I will always throw you a life vest when you feel like drowning. Got your back for always. =)

That Moment When You Get The Urge To Write Something But Not Sure What To Post

Do you ever get that feeling or the urge to write something even if you are researching for something important? It’s like your brain wants you to write when it really doesn’t know what to post. I am feeling it at the moment. My mind made me open my blog and write something… Anything that my brain says… And right now, all you read is my brain functioning so fast I might edit this later cause I am not really sure if I am typing it all right. It’s like the words are passing through my brain in the speed of light. Crazy. I am usually a quiet person who finds it hard to just share whatever it is I am thinking. I usually can’t put my thoughts into words perfectly. They always end up being said into something basic. I am a deep thinker yet I wish I can share whatever it is I am thinking all the time. Especially the positive thoughts.

Anyway, what should I write? I am quite sure this is going to end up as a non sense post. Because I keep blabbering.  This post’s title will probably be, what comes to mind when you just feel like posting something but can’t think of something sensible enough to write. hehe oh well, enough of this… Maybe I just need to concentrate more so I can write something sensible. Dear brain, please function properly…

The Fall

I love the sky. Everything about it.

The flock of birds flying before sunset

the rays of the sun

the airplanes passing by

the way the clouds roll in before it starts raining

the droplets of rain after months of drought

the wonderful sight of a rainbow that makes the sky extra interesting

the twinkling stars in the darkness of night.

When life gets frustrating and I need to calm myself,

I would look up. I would stare at the clouds

I would appreciate how they form into different shapes

and how hard they resist to be even blown by the wind.

Everything about the sky fascinates me. The sky is my home.

It makes me smile

As it takes all my worries away.

but then I came across the ocean

the wonderful horizon that eats up the sun

the depth that easily became one of my fears

the killer sharks and mermaid tales

the waves that can eat you up.

The ocean is dangerous and scary.

Once I jump off the cliff, I know there is no turning back.

It is either you drown or you swim against the waves

I jumped anyway without any assurance that the fall would be worth it

I fell staring up to the sky

The fall was wonderful, exhilirating even

unfamiliar but it feels like home

Well, it is home cause no matter how hazardous it is to jump off a cliff

I felt completely safe

I never felt happier

Do you know the feeling of flying on earth happy?

That is how I felt. No matter how weird that sounded

I was so focused into my own world that I did not know the fall was so short

I fell… Hard… into the ocean

Or it’s more of I flew… I flew in love

But for the first time in my life

I can completely say that the fall was worth it.

And if there is a chance to do it for the second time

I will do it

again…

and again…

and again…

Midnight thoughts

I run. That is what I do best. The second I start getting too close to someone, I run away. I have even built walls to keep people at a distance. To protect myself from misery. But getting through my wall is what makes me run fast and far. I have this irrational fear of getting too close to someone because I believe that everyone has the capacity to hurt you, but it’s the people you love that can crash you the most. I hate getting hurt. I hate crying. I hate getting left out. I hate feeling weak. I like to believe I am invincible. That nothing can break me apart. But life does not work that way, does it? The higher you stand, the harder it will push you down. The louder you laugh, the harder it will make you cry. You come near me, I leave. You step a little closer, I run so far. Finding a home in something unfamiliar terrifies me so I keep my distance. I run, you run with me. I push you away but you are very determined to stand up and run with me. Well, if you want to get lost, follow me. I’d like to think you are here for all the wrong reasons but I cannot keep denying the fact that you are apparently here for the right ones. But if you are too tired to run with me, just wait… because no matter what happens, I will always run home.

Spreading Positivity Through The Internet

It’s a really nice thing that I actually don’t have much work to do at night anymore that I finally found time for myself. To just think about life in general. And to write my thoughts out here! (Yay!) Well, here it goes…

I have been thinking of social media the past few hours. People say it connects people from all over the world. It creates bridges. But what they do not really mention is that most of the time, it builds a gap. A great divide. A huge one. I have been using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram for how many years. And as I look back, I realized how much has changed from the very first time I posted up to now. I have seen people fight over petty things on Facebook. I have seen people cuss and rant on Twitter. And definitely saw how people bashed celebrities or even just the people they don’t really like on social networking sites. I am guilty of it. You are guilty of it. We all are.

My posts changed for the better ever since I challenged myself to become a better person and to spread positivities instead of negativities. I realized that being hateful and angry won’t do me good. That getting upset won’t even take me places.

So, this is me, taking a step. making a start. Encouraging and challenging you to think before you click. To pause before you post. And to make a difference. Turn your rants into something that may brighten up someone’s day. Be kind. Let others get infected with optimism. Opt to make someone smile every day and inspire others to do the same. =)

Hello world!

Well hello there WordPress and readers! This is my first post and I am still trying to understand how this website works. I am even thinking of writing you an open letter but how would I if I know nothing much about you. If there’s one thing I would do, it would be to learn everything about you. I can not wait for my hands to type or write every little thing my mind is thinking. Every little thing my heart is feeling. Every annoying selfie I will be taking. Every wonderful photos I’m going to capture (not that I am an excellent photographer) yadda, yadda.

This marks my official post and I vow to write as much as I can. I promise to share how I view this world. To share my smiles, my tears, my happiness and sadness. This is not going to be easy for me but I know it will do me good to just release my emotions through a pen or through my keyboard. I can’t wait for that time when I can easily write whatever is going through my mind.

Cheers to a lifetime of sharing memories! 🙂

Heyiannesy, officially signing in…