It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.
Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…
Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.
Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.
My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.
I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”
I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.
I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.
Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.