Tag Archives: midnightthoughts

Heartbreak and A Little Bit of Strength

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.

Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…

Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.

Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.

My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.

I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”

I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.

I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.

Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.

 

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Wonderwall

All throughout my life, I had met a lot of unfamiliar faces. From people who are really nice to me and are willing to go through the hard times with me to those who only know me when they need something from me. I have loved and I have lost. But I definitely have learned to live and learn from everything. I raised my walls too high so people can stay away from me. They call me, I lock myself up. That is always how it works. They get a little close, I get distant. I fear getting left behind and getting hurt as my heart got broken a few times before. I built these walls to protect myself from getting hurt again, believing that the only person who’s worth it is willing to climb them up just to be with me. Sad thing is, not even one can break them down… Until you…

These walls have been built too high and sturdy for anyone to break, but just one knock at my door, you made it all crash down. And instead of panic and fear, I feel relieved because finally, you’re here. I never asked you to show up at my door but you did. There you were, showering my dark home with your smile brighter than the sun. holding my hand like you won’t ever let it go. We ran away with no plans at all. And for the first time in my sheltered life, I fear nothing. You made me see how wonderful this world is. Of how peaceful it is to just sit on a dock by the lake. My head on your shoulder and your arm wrapped tightly around my waist. Watching the twinkling stars and the night sky. Sometimes talking about life. Ending each other’s sentences. Laughing at our weirdness. Laying on the grass and staring at the world upside down. Looking over the lake with your favorite old songs or your own piano pieces playing on the background. Your wonderful eyes under the moonlight put all the stars to shame. No words were needed to be said as your presence makes me feel contented and safe. I hated smoke but your scent of mixed cigarettes and beer has never been more addicting. I felt invincible with you there. I never felt more alive. If this is home, I would not want to leave it. They told me not to trust anyone but for the first time in my life, I did not care. I did what I want and followed my heart. You gave me the world but like an eclipse, it just disappeared. I am left with nothing but what if’s. So this is me, writing… Trying to put back my broken walls… trying to build it higher and stronger that not even a hurricane can make it crumble. But I guess I do not have to try so hard, right? It is useless. Because after all the shit I have been through, I realized that you are, apparently, my wonderwall… my home…

Midnight thoughts

I run. That is what I do best. The second I start getting too close to someone, I run away. I have even built walls to keep people at a distance. To protect myself from misery. But getting through my wall is what makes me run fast and far. I have this irrational fear of getting too close to someone because I believe that everyone has the capacity to hurt you, but it’s the people you love that can crash you the most. I hate getting hurt. I hate crying. I hate getting left out. I hate feeling weak. I like to believe I am invincible. That nothing can break me apart. But life does not work that way, does it? The higher you stand, the harder it will push you down. The louder you laugh, the harder it will make you cry. You come near me, I leave. You step a little closer, I run so far. Finding a home in something unfamiliar terrifies me so I keep my distance. I run, you run with me. I push you away but you are very determined to stand up and run with me. Well, if you want to get lost, follow me. I’d like to think you are here for all the wrong reasons but I cannot keep denying the fact that you are apparently here for the right ones. But if you are too tired to run with me, just wait… because no matter what happens, I will always run home.