Tag Archives: thoughts

Heartbreak and A Little Bit of Strength

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.

Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…

Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.

Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.

My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.

I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”

I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.

I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.

Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.

 

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open-letter

An Open Letter To Those Who Are Going Through A Quarter Life Crisis

Dear you,

I know you are reading this because you are one of those people who, sometimes, out of nowhere, just feel lost and confused. Like you feel very unaccomplished especially when you meet people who seem like they got everything figured out. Dear confused fellow, you are not alone. This is me welcoming you to the quarter life crisis. Yes, I may always be positive with all my posts on my social media accounts but there are times when, out of the blue, I just ask myself “what the hell am I doing with my life?”

When I was a kid, I see myself having a million savings in my bank account at the age of 25, working in an office, going to places I dreamt of visiting and probably starting to buy my own flat. I remember how I could not wait to grow up and be independent. Several years later, I am no longer that kid who dreams… I am now this lady who is trying to find her place in this world.

I was once this teenager who gave up her social life for the sake of being “successful”. I was lucky enough to meet friends who always understand when I decline their party invites because school was more important. (I am not saying it is not but I wished I knew how to balance it.) Every day, I come to school with less than two hours of sleep just because I had to review all night. So many times, I cry because what I am studying is already too much for me but I have no choice but to review some more… Even if it is already frustrating me. And sometimes, I fail my tests because everything I reviewed got jumbled up inside my head and I got confused. Yes, I was in the Dean’s list but I was miserable. Do I enjoy what I do? No. Am I living life? No. I merely exist. I was so focused on making society happy with my achievements that I forgot how to make my own self happy.

After graduation I could not figure out what I wanted anymore. I needed a break for a year to figure out what I really wanted. What my heart really wanted. No matter how perfect of a student I was, I have been rejected too many times when I started looking for a job. So many times I come home feeling defeated. So ready to give up. I even doubted my dear self when everyone around me started questioning me too. But it is these rejections and questions that brought me to what I have right now. It may not seem to be so much for a twenty five year old me, but it is enough. It makes me so happy. And happiness is all that matters, isn’t it? Today, I have a job I love and I am doing something I love. Something that makes my heart full and more than grateful because I meet people who inspire me to be thankful not only for the big things but also for the smallest of things that come my way. Ever since I found my online job a few months back, I thought I am giving different people who have rare and incurable diseases hope. But as time passes by, I realized that they are the ones who give me so much hope and strength. They remind me to keep going no matter how impossible things seem. I am more than happy to have a job that inspires me to move forward. I meet patients who are always ready to face extractions, pains and there are also these patients who live their life normally while they patiently wait for companies and researchers to announce that their illness has finally a cure.

Young fellow, like them, believe that someday, somehow, things will turn out well for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A lot of young adults go through this phase too but some of them choose to bravely do what society disapproves of. Don’t  worry, you are still young. Be patient. Things will fall into place not the way you expected it to but the way you have always wanted. Someday, we don’t have to ask ourselves that “question” anymore. Believe that you will have it all figured out. BECAUSE YOU WILL. We will no longer exist because we will LIVE. We will live life to the fullest because when the stars align, things will just workout, whether we’re ready for it or not. Things will always workout. And we will dance and celebrate life because we’re finally doing something that will surely plaster a huge smile on our faces no matter how small it is. Keep living. We will all get there.

P.S:

Go out there and try out new things. Know your heart’s desires and chase after them. YOU CAN DO IT!

Love,

Someone who still can’t figure it all out

That Moment When You Get The Urge To Write Something But Not Sure What To Post

Do you ever get that feeling or the urge to write something even if you are researching for something important? It’s like your brain wants you to write when it really doesn’t know what to post. I am feeling it at the moment. My mind made me open my blog and write something… Anything that my brain says… And right now, all you read is my brain functioning so fast I might edit this later cause I am not really sure if I am typing it all right. It’s like the words are passing through my brain in the speed of light. Crazy. I am usually a quiet person who finds it hard to just share whatever it is I am thinking. I usually can’t put my thoughts into words perfectly. They always end up being said into something basic. I am a deep thinker yet I wish I can share whatever it is I am thinking all the time. Especially the positive thoughts.

Anyway, what should I write? I am quite sure this is going to end up as a non sense post. Because I keep blabbering.  This post’s title will probably be, what comes to mind when you just feel like posting something but can’t think of something sensible enough to write. hehe oh well, enough of this… Maybe I just need to concentrate more so I can write something sensible. Dear brain, please function properly…