Tag Archives: writing

Heartbreak and A Little Bit of Strength

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here. And so much has changed since my last blog post. I created this blog so I can write what I feel and I can only write sensibly when I feel so much – when I am in so much pain or so much bliss.

Today, I am neither. I do not know what I am feeling. So for now, let me share what I wrote a few weeks back…

Often, in stupid chick flicks, they represent heartbreak as a slumber party with cakes, bars of chocolates, pop corns and pints of ice cream and 80’s movies that will surely make you sob uncontrollably. This is not a far cry from a slumber party, I do not care about sweets too right now.

Nobody ever prepares you for this, of how it would feel like. No amount of rom coms can ever show you the ugly, nitty, gritty details of a heartbreak. Today, I asked several of my friends where I went wrong, if I am a terrible human being for loving someone so much and that is when emotions started spinning out of control. I feel defeated and shattered and tired. I guess that is what it does to everyone – it somehow retards us in some ways. Loving someone makes you forget all the advices you have given and all the advices your friends gave you. The stupid heart takes over and it is like your other senses just shut down and just stop functioning.

My chest is so heavy right now. It feels like it is going to burst open any time and I really just want to ugly cry. But nothing comes. It feels like my senses forgot to function. I want to cry really bad, to scream so loud, to throw away things, to be angry but only one thing remains. And you know what it is? Numbness.

I am back to square one yet again – hurt and weak and feeling unwanted. I found out things and I cried because I thought I have found my fairytale. I cried because how bitchy life is and there is no such thing as a perfect two. I cried because I am left with so much questions like “Do I deserve to be lied to?” and “How can someone who says I love you most every night has the capacity to torture you to death by doing things that will surely break your heart into tiny little pieces?”

I found out things. I did not understand why. I did not want to know why. I refused to understand.

I am taking things a minute at a time, I grow weaker each minute and things are sinking in like a lightning bolt. I can’t help but blame myself for letting my walls down too fast. I hate looking back and seeing how crazy fierce I used to be and I can’t help but think if it would have been easier if I chose to remain to be that invincible person. But then I realized that being heartless never shielded me from the cruel realities of this world. Being fierce did not mean being strong.

Today, I am conquering this with so much weakness and very little strength in me. It is now my turn to be considered. I am more than determined to pick myself up and redefine my worth. So today I conquer this. I keep calm and I will definitely carry on.

 

Realizations

People say I think maturely for my age and I always agree with them. When I was a kid, I only settle for what is familiar. I only play with my cousins and siblings. Sometimes, I even play alone. I do not mind being alone as long as I am in my comfort zone because at a young age, I have been observing people. It was an instinct to stay away because people have the capacity to hurt you no matter how nice you are to them. I sometimes hate myself for being so afraid of so many things but this is something that is with me ever since I was born. I was born to observe, to be wise and to learn from others. Observers are wise and perfectionist… I used to be one.

So to welcome my 25th year, let me write a few wonderful things and lessons I learned at the age of 24…

  1. Last year, I celebrated my birthday in Cambodia. That was my first ever out of the country birthday and my birthday week was so much fun! Sometimes, routines make life boring. At some point, you have to try something new and let life surprise you… May it be your birthday or not.

2. Also last year, I remember how dependent I was to my family. I could not go out of the house without them because going out of home on my own scare the living shit out of me. Yes, I was that sheltered. But that week in Cambodia, I faced my fears. After a tiring day of walking around the temples, I went home and changed into my biking clothes. I went to what I call “the road less traveled”. It is right behind the temples and you have to bike around the forest before reaching different temples. There are no homes, not much people around and it was quiet and eerie at the same time but the view is definitely spectacular! You’d even hear the wind whispering in your ear. (I stopped so many times because I thought fairies are trying to lure me so they can take me to their world lmao) Also, I have exceeded myself by biking for an hour or more. In a foreign soil… On my own… Yep, big achievement for little miss sheltered.

3. I used to be very picky when it comes to food but hey guys, You only live once! Eat that snake, have a taste of that scorpion. Life is so boring without trying something new and challenging, right?

4. This year, I lived in Singapore for a month. This is the very first time I bravely flew on my own and lived independently. I learned that there will come a time that help won’t come so you have to do something for yourself. That month, I got lost so many times but discovered so many wonderful places til I eventually found my way back home.

5. Sometimes, out of nowhere, life will surprise you and will let you meet your soulmate. The perfect person who will treat you like a queen, who will make you feel loved, who thinks exactly the same as you, and who will make everything feel right. You will be in the perfect love story… For a short period of time. Appreciate those moments because it is not every day that you get to meet someone who will make you feel like you FLEW IN LOVE. Yep, at the age of 24, I believe I met my soulmate. It probably did not last but our story felt like a once in a lifetime kind of love. I was in cloud 9. I flew in love, but I fell and got my heart greatly shattered but this is the first time I moved on gracefully because love is thinking about the person’s happiness more than yourself… even if it means it will completely shatter you.

6. Life and timing are such bitches but those are not enough reasons to give up. Keep moving because better things are coming. They always do.

7. No’s and failures are the best keys to find what is really meant for you. I never thought that today, I am doing something I love. Sooner, I will have the capability to make my dream a reality.

8. People will say something bad or make up stories about you. Stay kind. Forgive them.

9. People leave and it will hurt so freaking much but with all those pains are a lifetime of lessons and memories. The ache will go away but all the good things about the past? They will remain with you. And if they’re happy memories, they will surely put a smile on your face whenever you look back.

10. Tired of everything? Sit over a lake and go star gazing!

11. Take risks, fall in love again. Love deeply and hope that this time, you got it right.

12. A few months ago, I got a part time online job that made me learn more about other people. When I thought I give some people and their loved ones hope, it turned out they are the ones who give me more strength and hope with what I have gone through.

13. Just because someone is older than you does not mean they are right. However, stay kind. NO matter how difficult.

14. When the people you love leave, send them light and love and go on with your life.

15. Society kept pushing me to do something I don’t want to do. Does it make me happy? No. I’d like to think I was brave enough to stop thinking about what other people will say. For once, I followed my heart and chose to be happy. I am not always 100 percent happy but most of the time, I am because I am doing something I love.

16.  I dared myself to talk to strangers and I can’t believe how much I missed out on hearing inspiring stories from cab drivers and random strangers I should have met a long time ago.

17. Things won’t always go your way because God has a better plan for you. ALWAYS.

You Are Worth It

Have you ever walked on your own and found the beauty of it?  Have you ever walked so slow and learned to appreciate the trees around you, the soft wind that’s kissing your cheeks? Have you ever looked up at the sky and got so grateful for the peace it brings? Have you ever seen yourself run because it started raining so hard then you decided to start dancing in the rain instead because that is a lot more fun? Have you ever found yourself getting amazed at how the rainbow paints the sky extra colorful after the rain? Have you ever found yourself scared of the dark but when you look up, you see that there is nothing to fear because the twinkling stars can guide your way?

All these things bring happiness to my life no matter how little. You give me that beautiful feeling I always crave when walking alone. You are the comfortable silence that I will always yearn for. You are the tree that I will always take a time out to notice and appreciate. You are the wind that helps me feel less tired from walking. You are my own sky that brings so much peace by just thinking about you. You were what made me stop running whenever I feel even just a drop of rain on my skin. You are my rainbow that makes my already interesting sky extra interesting and colorful. You are the twinkling stars that made me not fear the darkness. You are the road that makes me wanna go on and wander no matter how scary this unknown path is. 

It has been two months since I decided to choose this road bravely, not knowing what’s in store for me. Will there be snakes in between my walks? Will it be a rough road or a smooth one? This road is not like the other roads. It, probably, is more bumpy and rough. It won’t always be sunny, there may even be storms or hurricanes that will make me wanna give up but if it is what makes you the happiest, I guess you can always conquer whatever it is… right? It seems like I still have to walk a very loooooong way and despite my impatient self, I find myself enjoying the view, the walk, and everything in it – just because the road is taking me to you. You are worth it.

Wonderwall

All throughout my life, I had met a lot of unfamiliar faces. From people who are really nice to me and are willing to go through the hard times with me to those who only know me when they need something from me. I have loved and I have lost. But I definitely have learned to live and learn from everything. I raised my walls too high so people can stay away from me. They call me, I lock myself up. That is always how it works. They get a little close, I get distant. I fear getting left behind and getting hurt as my heart got broken a few times before. I built these walls to protect myself from getting hurt again, believing that the only person who’s worth it is willing to climb them up just to be with me. Sad thing is, not even one can break them down… Until you…

These walls have been built too high and sturdy for anyone to break, but just one knock at my door, you made it all crash down. And instead of panic and fear, I feel relieved because finally, you’re here. I never asked you to show up at my door but you did. There you were, showering my dark home with your smile brighter than the sun. holding my hand like you won’t ever let it go. We ran away with no plans at all. And for the first time in my sheltered life, I fear nothing. You made me see how wonderful this world is. Of how peaceful it is to just sit on a dock by the lake. My head on your shoulder and your arm wrapped tightly around my waist. Watching the twinkling stars and the night sky. Sometimes talking about life. Ending each other’s sentences. Laughing at our weirdness. Laying on the grass and staring at the world upside down. Looking over the lake with your favorite old songs or your own piano pieces playing on the background. Your wonderful eyes under the moonlight put all the stars to shame. No words were needed to be said as your presence makes me feel contented and safe. I hated smoke but your scent of mixed cigarettes and beer has never been more addicting. I felt invincible with you there. I never felt more alive. If this is home, I would not want to leave it. They told me not to trust anyone but for the first time in my life, I did not care. I did what I want and followed my heart. You gave me the world but like an eclipse, it just disappeared. I am left with nothing but what if’s. So this is me, writing… Trying to put back my broken walls… trying to build it higher and stronger that not even a hurricane can make it crumble. But I guess I do not have to try so hard, right? It is useless. Because after all the shit I have been through, I realized that you are, apparently, my wonderwall… my home…

The Fall

I love the sky. Everything about it.

The flock of birds flying before sunset

the rays of the sun

the airplanes passing by

the way the clouds roll in before it starts raining

the droplets of rain after months of drought

the wonderful sight of a rainbow that makes the sky extra interesting

the twinkling stars in the darkness of night.

When life gets frustrating and I need to calm myself,

I would look up. I would stare at the clouds

I would appreciate how they form into different shapes

and how hard they resist to be even blown by the wind.

Everything about the sky fascinates me. The sky is my home.

It makes me smile

As it takes all my worries away.

but then I came across the ocean

the wonderful horizon that eats up the sun

the depth that easily became one of my fears

the killer sharks and mermaid tales

the waves that can eat you up.

The ocean is dangerous and scary.

Once I jump off the cliff, I know there is no turning back.

It is either you drown or you swim against the waves

I jumped anyway without any assurance that the fall would be worth it

I fell staring up to the sky

The fall was wonderful, exhilirating even

unfamiliar but it feels like home

Well, it is home cause no matter how hazardous it is to jump off a cliff

I felt completely safe

I never felt happier

Do you know the feeling of flying on earth happy?

That is how I felt. No matter how weird that sounded

I was so focused into my own world that I did not know the fall was so short

I fell… Hard… into the ocean

Or it’s more of I flew… I flew in love

But for the first time in my life

I can completely say that the fall was worth it.

And if there is a chance to do it for the second time

I will do it

again…

and again…

and again…

Midnight thoughts

I run. That is what I do best. The second I start getting too close to someone, I run away. I have even built walls to keep people at a distance. To protect myself from misery. But getting through my wall is what makes me run fast and far. I have this irrational fear of getting too close to someone because I believe that everyone has the capacity to hurt you, but it’s the people you love that can crash you the most. I hate getting hurt. I hate crying. I hate getting left out. I hate feeling weak. I like to believe I am invincible. That nothing can break me apart. But life does not work that way, does it? The higher you stand, the harder it will push you down. The louder you laugh, the harder it will make you cry. You come near me, I leave. You step a little closer, I run so far. Finding a home in something unfamiliar terrifies me so I keep my distance. I run, you run with me. I push you away but you are very determined to stand up and run with me. Well, if you want to get lost, follow me. I’d like to think you are here for all the wrong reasons but I cannot keep denying the fact that you are apparently here for the right ones. But if you are too tired to run with me, just wait… because no matter what happens, I will always run home.

Spreading Positivity Through The Internet

It’s a really nice thing that I actually don’t have much work to do at night anymore that I finally found time for myself. To just think about life in general. And to write my thoughts out here! (Yay!) Well, here it goes…

I have been thinking of social media the past few hours. People say it connects people from all over the world. It creates bridges. But what they do not really mention is that most of the time, it builds a gap. A great divide. A huge one. I have been using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram for how many years. And as I look back, I realized how much has changed from the very first time I posted up to now. I have seen people fight over petty things on Facebook. I have seen people cuss and rant on Twitter. And definitely saw how people bashed celebrities or even just the people they don’t really like on social networking sites. I am guilty of it. You are guilty of it. We all are.

My posts changed for the better ever since I challenged myself to become a better person and to spread positivities instead of negativities. I realized that being hateful and angry won’t do me good. That getting upset won’t even take me places.

So, this is me, taking a step. making a start. Encouraging and challenging you to think before you click. To pause before you post. And to make a difference. Turn your rants into something that may brighten up someone’s day. Be kind. Let others get infected with optimism. Opt to make someone smile every day and inspire others to do the same. =)